Broken Vessels

The first half of my 20s were full of hard lessons and a couple of rock bottoms, and if I’m honest, ignorance was not bliss. The second half of my 20s felt like I was constantly being refined and rebuilt. Most days, it felt like I was doggy-paddling in a deep ocean, trying to keep my head above water.

When I turned 29, I started saying, “My 30s will be the best years of my life so far,” and I know that to be true.

My birthday is September 1st; stay with me here for a second. Within the two weeks leading up to my birthday, I was sending the girls back to school (if you’re a parent, you know), attending an out-of-state bachelorette trip that same week, serving twice a week at church, going through two audits at work, starting two college courses (not easy ones), and then because life loves drama my car suddenly broke down without any warning.

Also (also), I’ve been single for years, so it’s normal for me to go several months without dating but guess who decided to squeeze in a blind first date during all of this? My world was spinning so fast; all the grounding I had worked so hard for felt like it disappeared. I don’t think my feet touched the ground for a solid month. I got pulled over three times in August. I hadn’t been pulled over in probably seven years or longer. After the third time, I finally said, “Okay God, what are You trying to tell me?!” Well, I don’t know but common sense would suggest He was telling me to slow down.

The day of my birthday rolled around, and nothing looked like I planned. I got the news that I’d be paying $5,900 for a new transmission, so I decided to cancel my planned-out birthday party. But this is life, right? You see, everything up to that point had been so good. I was feeling joy and gratitude for everything God was doing. I knew I was at a crossroads where I had a choice: would I let the enemy steal my peace? I could have blamed myself for the missteps, told myself I wasn’t doing good enough, and assumed that’s why all of this was happening. Old me would have done that.

But instead, I asked the Lord again, “What are You trying to tell me?” And in that moment, I felt Him ask me, “Will you come to Me for provision?” Self-reliance is something God is working out of me not daring to ask for help, but also never knowing when to stop taking things on. God reminded me of something spoken over me: “What man gives, man can take away, but what God gives cannot be taken away.” In that moment, I felt a deep conviction about all the things that had been filling my time and attention that weren’t even aligned with what God had in store for me. I was praying for a life I wasn’t positioned to receive.

The Saturday after my birthday, the kids weren’t home. It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I got off social media, put my phone on DND, and gave the Lord my attention. No running, no hiding, no vices just full surrender. In that moment, I felt like the Lord was asking me to let go of something that would free up my time. It was something I really wanted to continue, so it was asking a lot of me. But I knew my obedience was more important than the timeline I created for myself, so I did it. John 3:30 “He must become greater; I must become less.”

Less than an hour after obeying, I got a call from a friend who wanted to help with my transmission to make sure I was getting a proper diagnostic. We went down to the transmission shop (which is a whole story in itself), and by the time we were leaving, he was praying over the guys there and offering to let me drive his truck so I could return my rental. I was already knee-deep in rental expenses, so this was another answered prayer. The same day, my friends reached out to tell me they had gone behind me and re-planned my 30th birthday party. Then a couple days later, another friend felt led by God to help with my car. And the very next day, someone in my home group offered help as well.

In the past, I would never have shared that I was struggling. I felt like this was God winking at me and reminding me that it is okay to be vulnerable and not have it all together.

I finished my audits at work the next week, and everything slowed down even more. That weekend, I had Thursday–Sunday with no plans, completely by myself. Being alone for four days with no busyness to distract me would have sent me into depression even a year ago. Recently, though, I’ve learned to appreciate these moments because I know it won’t always be this way.

As I sat alone, I asked the Lord again, “What do You want me to do?” I felt Him tell me to go back to the last things He told me. There were three specific things He had asked me to do over the last three years. Two were simple, but I had been making excuses to avoid them. The third was to start this blog. This was a big ask, putting yourself out there is hard. I knew what the cost was. But I also knew this wasn’t about me. Someone needs to know that what Jesus has done for me, He can do for them.

I reached out to a friend I knew could help me get started, and immediately everything began falling into place perfectly. But it still required work. It required obedience.

I cried every single day from August 31st until September 28th sometimes multiple times a day. It felt like an actual death to my 20s. Does this happen to everyone when they turn 30? The reason I’m sharing this is because for more than half my life, I felt broken because I didn’t know how to cry. I had mastered the art of dissociation and suppressing my emotions. One day this month, I even cried tears of joy and thanked God for healing my emotions.

And even after a month of crying, I still mean it when I say that my 30s will be the best years of my life (so far). Not because I’ll always get what I want or because my life will suddenly be easy, but because I’ve learned to surrender my plans and desires to the Lord. In exchange, I receive His peace that surpasses all understanding.

Behind a big smile and bubbly personality, I lived with a broken heart feeling alone and misunderstood for a very long time. I spent years questioning my worth, self-sabotaging relationships, pushing away people who cared about me, and giving my heart to people who had no business having access to it. I felt abandoned, and I reinforced that abandonment in every relationship I walked into.

But God. Nothing and no one are ever too far gone once Jesus gets a hold of them.

We live in a broken world; many of us have sad stories. But I want you to know it does not have to be the story you tell forever. Jesus is in the business of giving new names, new identities, and rewriting stories. The hardest part for me was realizing that I had become the villain in someone else’s story too.

Jesus found me when I was on the verge of giving up on life. When I was least deserving, He picked me up and transformed me. “Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,” says the Lord Almighty.  Zechariah 4:6 I asked Him, “Why now? It’s too late. I’ve messed everything up.” And He showed me what He can do with a broken heart versus a proud one. (James 4:6, Proverbs 3:34, 2 Corinthians 12:9.) I feel that had He moved any sooner, I might have believed I did something to deserve His love. But He died for ALL OF US, so that we could live full authentic lives, not shiny and busy on the outside but empty on the inside. Not living in survival mode, not walking around with wounds and wounding others, not overextending ourselves to keep up with the Jones', not shape shifting to be who we think others want us to be, etc. John 10:10 “I have come that they may have life and have it to the full.”

I believe that God can and will redeem everything that you surrender to Him. Since my birthday is a relevant topic and we're talking about redemption; thought I might add that my dad who I haven't seen in 20 years, just sent me a present in the mail for my 30th birthday. I have not spoken to him in 18 years; but that changed this year after finding out he was close to dying and in the ICU. For me, the miracle wasn’t all the blessings I received after surrendering to the Lord. The miracle is watching Him transform my heart and the hearts of those around me. I hope anyone reading this who feels far from the Father’s love comes to know the depth of His love for you. We serve an Ephesians 3:20 Father.

Please pray with me:

“Lord, I thank You for the testimony You’ve given me. I lift up the person reading this page and ask that whether they know you or not, you bless them with a deeper revelation of Your love. Align their heart’s desires with Your will and the things of Your Kingdom, and not of this world. In Jesus’ mighty name we pray, amen.” Matthew 6:33